So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
