dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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