is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
