I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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