some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
