I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
