Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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