I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
