Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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