Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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