I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
