THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Couch. On fire.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
