hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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