if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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