It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
