I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
