your room smells of hookers.
And success
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
