it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Randomize
