hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
