no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
