i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
