it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
