everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
