1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
