when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
