STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
