Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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