What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
