sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
