i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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