I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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