soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
