I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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