We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
