I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
they need to just BURY HIM!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
