Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
