Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
