Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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