I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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