She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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