if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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