hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
