Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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