I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I know her cup size but not her name....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
