youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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