There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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