I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
