If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
