Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
