the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it hurts more in the daytime
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
