omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
