i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
