i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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