If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
