Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
