Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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