Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
