cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
