Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
