Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
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He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.