He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him