I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life