and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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