Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
