You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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